29 June 2012

Adventures in Nationals: The Tale of Frazzy McToots

This Mother's Day I was planning make something sweet and innocent.

I also planned to gallop into Iraq and establish myself as world dictator.

From experience, my plans don't usually work.

I was going to make an artsy little design on a grocery bag, but I ran out of gold-glitter, and with only Sharpies at my disposal, I conceded myself to writing a poem about a rooster who wanted to fly. However, the plot seemed painfully unresolved by the time I had reached the bottom-right corner, so I forsook my grocery bag in favor of a second Epic of Gilgamesh. It was actually completed at Nationals with my friend Nathan and performed for the first time before the Washington state (dinner's entertainment). Nonetheless, this one is for my mom. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM, LOVE, YOUR SON.

The Implied Birth, Childhood, Adolescence, Marriage, Divorce, Life, and eventual Death of Frazzy McToots by Raymond Dokupil and Nathan Quick

Just last week in the land of Galoots
Where everyone wears shiny brass buckle boots
There ticked an old clock
Wherein lived a cock
Whose name was called
Mr. Frazzy McToots.

Now Frazzy was special
No conventional cock
He wore a green satchel
With a seven-pound rock
Every morning he dropped
That rock down to the town
To make sure that it stopped
When it came to the ground

Now the old rooster hoped
With eager expectancy
That the rock would revoke
It's response to the gravity
He was always distraught
As the rock careened down
That it fell like it ought
Instead of flying around.

"Floobit!" cried the rooster.
"Why, Newton was right!
If I don't get a booster
I don't get a flight!"
For Frazzy knew well that as long as it fell
His hopes would be heaven, his tears would be hell.

One one fine autumn morning
There walked down the street
A large man adorning
Six pounds of bear meat
He carried a broadsword
With a dragon-head hilt
He was a Mongolian Warlord
Named Kazzahdavadilt.

His muscles were bulky, his senses were sharp
His nose was like iron, his voice like a harp
He started World Wars three through seven
Let us just say his home is not heaven.

He stormed madly down the red cobblestone road
He cursed like a sailor and looked like a toad
As he stomped on a cricket whose name was Pristine
Frazzy was starting his daily routine!
He white-washed his molars and slicked back his feathers
Chucked a rock out the window and began his endeavors

Frazzy wolfed down his toast and his eggs
He pulled on his sweater and gold-plated kilt
He slipped pink knit stockings over his legs
And then crossed his chest with the cross he had built.

He swooned down the stairs to check on his stone
He prayed fervently his mineral had flown
As he reached the bottom, his heart wend Ker-Thump
His rock was sitting on a Mongolian lump.

He chewed on the bear skin and checked the man's pulse
He did CPR as his body convulsed
But beaks are not made for this type of affection
He began to have doubts of the man's resurrection.

Then Kazzahdavadilt shot up with a grin
He crossed his chest and became a Christian!
With fervor he said, "I've been born again!
The loving Lord Jesus has pardoned my sin!"

Frazzy never flew but his he discovered
The cruelest of Warlords can still be recovered
As for Kazzahdavadilt, he became a landscaper
He liked to eat mangos and chew purple paper.
This story has something in it for you too
The events of this tale are actually false.


26 June 2012

> Frisbee? I think yes.

My brother and I invented a game today.

It's called Brick-A-Leg.

The rules are simple. You toss a heavy cement projectile to each other, slowly increasing in distance, until someone bricks a leg.

It didn't last long, but boy was it fun.

Weekly Word Painting

Welcome to Word Painting Part II!

Today we are going to discuss Household Objects. Some of these aren't technically Elizabethan, but Word Painting is more about romanticizing the English language than recreating it.  These are important, because we use these terms regularly. If anyone does ask you while you're calling a garage a drawbridge, just say "Well, fie on you, you blooming knave!!"

Word key for Household Objects
Garage: Drawbridge
Your room: Your chambers
Living room: The courtroom
Dining room: Dining hall
Kitchen: Cookery
Toilet: Throne (kidding)
Guestroom: The roaming chambers
The deck: The Turret
Backyard: The courtyard
Your computer: Magic Mirror (that's practically all Facebook is for right? Mirror Mirror on the wall...)

23 June 2012

“You only have to be brave enough to see it."

I treated meeself wit a crackin' good picture yesterdae.

And yes, I wore a kilt going to it.

I won't be writing a long movie review, because good movies don't deserve long reviews, but I will say is it's a combination of this:



and THIS!!!!

So basically, it's just about the greatest thing ever invented. Strong emotional veins guided by the core of human nature intertwined with Celtic mythology, radiant visuals, and character-driven humor from beginning to end. But what less can you expect from Pixar?

AND ON THAT NOTE: Some unruly critics are inexplicably questioning the brilliance of this film. They are obviously grossly unperceptive. Just because there are witches and strong female leads does NOT make it "witchcraft" and "feminism". "Brave" is a tale of humility, passion, family, tradition, and the battle between fate and choice that governs the laws of both legend and reality.  The plot-line may be well-worn, but at least Pixar chose to make their supposedly least original film in a genre in which I will never be weary: the fairy tale.

"Our fate lives within us. You only have to be brave enough to see it."

20 June 2012

Yellowhammer State

Most of you know I have been at a national speech and debate tournament in Colorado Springs. Most of you know I won in Expository. Most of you don't know that was not the pinnacle of my adventure. In fact, the most precious moments in the world are the ones that nobody hears about.

Although I'm saving my favorite tales for another time, this is a list that my dear friend Nathan and I put together of our most memorable moments. Albeit being summarized, abridged, and dramatized, it remains 99% true. Enjoy!

Day 1
-Raymond gets up at 5:00, sneaks out of the hotel, climbs a tree, and watches the sunrise.
-“I lost Raymond to the sunrise.” –Nathan writing a song about it
-Wallowed through a muddy runoff trench steeping in sinking sand under a busy road.
-Raymond tries to pull a Free Willy from the spa into the pool and bashes his head, after getting stuck on the wall.
-Kidnapped the Rutledges on a rugged abandoned cliffside and stole their phone (YEAH. WE MAY OR MAY NOT BE EMBELLISHING A LITTLE BIT HERE)

Day 2
-Got up at 5:30 to climb trees and watch the sunrise
-Went to the kingdom of Christian media Focus on the Family
-Accidentally discovered Paul McCusker’s office and then met Dave Arnold the executive producer of Odyssey.
-Visited Narnia. Bucket list #1, CHECK (kind of).
-Discovered Narnia was a fraud. THIS IS TREASON!!!! Re-instate bucket list #1. Fiddlesticks.
-Suggested inflating prices of shakes to the waitress at Whit’s End (Yeah. It was THAT good.)
-Drank sodas at Wal-Mart and criticized female fashion
-Spent an hour on a twenty minute car ride
-“What’s up?” “My heart rate when I saw you.” – Nathan and John-Luke invent a new pick-up line

Day 3
-“The resolution says that personal freedom ought to be valued above personal freedom.” – Random debater
-“This quote is by Benjamin Freedom.” – Random debater
-“Freedom.” –Random debater
-Nathan got sick.
-“Do you want to know how I got these scars?” – Raymond in a debate round
-Raymond has to borrow Rebecca's makeup to conceal his scars.

Day 4
-Raymond thinks he actually pwned someone in debate. But he actually lost.
-John-Luke pwns in Ultimate Frisbee
-Cracked up in Whit’s End, until Raymond fell off his chair.
-Watched the sunset behind the mountains during a lightning storm

Day 5
-Decided to talk in rhymes all day
-Nathan has Chick-Fil-A for the first time
-Discovered the soda was free. BAHAHAHA!
-“I’m going to kill whoever took the last two crackers.” – John-Luke “John-Luke, suicide is not a good thing.” – Nathan
-Toasted that Raymond would get a girlfriend (and dance with someone besides Micah)
-Raymond stands up on a table and does the hokey-pokey in front of 600+ people
-Raymond accidentally kicks his dance partner in the head while dancing with her (I was inventing a new move. She didn't duck in time. It's okay, I made amends)
-Saw a pickup truck scooting down the train track at 11:30 PM

Day 6
-Raymond breaks in Expos and squanders all his money buying frappes for people
-Raymond, Nathan, and Micah blaze the train tracks in the shrouds of midnight
-Raymond spills iced tea on his shorts. “Now you can lick your shorts and they’ll be flavored!!” John-Luke

Day 7
-Raymond breaks to finals. The Motts break to finals.
-Recorded Adventures in Odyssey kids radio show and got asked to audition
-Climbed a terrifying peak of stone and earth to look upon the valley, ripped off our shirts and gave a battle cry to the heavens. “For freedom, for the sunrise, and for the North!”
-Claimed the peak for Parrhesia (This is our club name)
-Found the slumbering Elf-Woman of the enchanted meadow and put a wreath of flowers in her silky white hair and sung the blessing of Parrhesia (Yes of course this really happened!)
-Raymond wins Expos.

Day 8
-Raymond and Nathan part ways. ‘Tis time to blaze a new adventure.
-Give our farewells to the Hotel to stay with the Picketts.
-Leave instantly to climb Parrhesia Peak again.

Day 9
-Got up to watch the sunrise at the crown of Parrhesia’s great summit for the last time.
-Didn’t get there in time. Drat.
-Took the Cog Railroad up Pike’s Peak, the mountain where America the Beautiful was written.
-Stood on the freezing zenith, gazing into the mists of everlasting light, and loving the world just a little bit more.
-Raymond requests stopping the train halfway down to hike the rest of the way, and gives all the passengers a benediction before he goes.
-Kidnapped the ticket woman and stole her phone.
-Discovered a REAL typewriter at the Picketts and wrote a front-page story for the Daily Planet.
-Lois Lane gets shot in the head by Jack Sparrow.

Day 10
-Got up to watch the sunrise. In time.
-Ate an exquisite breakfast at the Picketts like what one only sees in books.
-Kissed Colorado goodbye.

Believe it or not, this list used to be even longer. You may read a more complete version at Nathan's blog.

19 June 2012

Speaking in the Tongue of the Ancients

So I had a brilliant idea yesterday.

Language has become so dull recently. We use words like "awesome" and...."awesome" and........and......stuff like that. In short, so many beautiful words (like beautiful) are losing their meaning because words like "lovely" "fair" and "pulchritudinous" are apparently too obscure and outdated for use.

Then I thought, Hey, Gandalf and Shakespeare never had this problem.
So here's my brilliant idea.  I'm going to teach myself to speak Elizabethan.

Of course it will feel rather silly at first, but eventually, I'll even be THINKING in Elizabethan and DREAMING in Elizabethan. What that be cool or WHAT???

In essence, we are going to become Word Painters. Words are like a musical instrument, waiting to be mastered. With some good practice, you'll be able to speak in the tongues of men and of angels.

The GOAL of this challenge is not necessarily to expand one's vocabulary, but you use a more interesting vocabulary. Then everything I say will be an accidental joy to the listener.

Here's some of the basic words you'll need to know if you wish to join me on this adventure.  I'll post more as I come up with them.

Word key for the Elizabethan Tongue
Mom: M'Lady/Mum
Dad: M'Lord/Father
Your peers: Cousins
Anyone younger than you: Son/Daughter
Anyone older than you: O Ancient One
Anyone you don't like: A Knave*
*This is not technically a bad name. A Knave is a boy servant. But it sounds insulting.
The President: Thane of America
A handsome boy: Noble knight/Kind knight
A pretty girl: Fair damsel/Fair dame
Your spouse: My Dearest Partner of Greatness
Your enemies: Foes

YES: Aye
NO: Nay
I have to go to the bathroom: I have yet to find an adequate phrase akin to this in literature. Maybe they didn't go to the bathroom back then.
UPDATE: Apparently they did. It is, "Where is the Loo?"
Glory be to God!: Praise the Almighty!
Look!: Behold!/Harken!
Hello: Greetings 
Goodbye: Farewell
Hurry!: Hasten!
I want: My heart bids me