23 September 2012

Summer [Mis]Adventures: Raymond's Rules for Dancing

This may surprise you, but when I was a kid, I was very timid little mouse. Wouldn't do sports, wouldn't learn piano, wouldn't make friends, wouldn't talk. I was thoroughly convinced that girls had cooties and they could kill a man.


So dancing? I was SO above it all. I was a very old soul back then. That is, until I grew up and got younger.
That's when I discovered how ridiculously FUN dancing is.

Listen, I don't care if you have two left feet, there are only four things you need to know when it comes to dancing, of every style, in any situation. Remember these, and you'll bring down the building. This is a no-money-back guarantee.


1. Passion is key. 

I vaguely remember when I first tried to sashay I actually made a collision into another couple.

Well, it was THEIR fault....

2. Make it a show.

This is a true story. Jared and I killed each other twice that night. It's okay, she's used to us.

3. Don't bother syncing with the music.

At the beginning of summer I went to a graduation after-party. It was VERY late. And VERY dark. And we were all waltzing around for no particular reason to some dumb pop song.


I had already waltzed her off the porch, down the stairs, around the campfire, and out into the cold dank backyard. Did I mention it was late and dark?

It was so romantic!

(there actually wasn't a fountain there. Whatever.)

That is, until we had gone to far to hear the music.

Then we just started cracking up.

4. Be creative.

A while ago, my friend The Cowgirl and I invented a dance move. A very dangerous dance move. It went like this:

Impressive, huh? Neither of us can remember what we called it.

Anyway, last June I was at Nationals in Colorado where they held a Very Loud Party for Homeschoolers. I mean, it was so loud you couldn't even hear the thunderstorm outside. And there were about six hundred people there.

I'm pretty sure this indisputably proves that homeschoolers CAN rock out.

(well, at least we try)

So there I was, boogieing "Sweet Home Alabama" like there was no tomorrow, when I decided it was time to get spunky. Naturally, I divulged a warning.

Unfortunately, she didn't duck in time.

Did she suffer any head injuries? No. I mean, she DID friend me on Facebook...so she must be alright.

The truth is, fellows, you'll never try anything new until you're willing to make a fool out of yourself. And as my friend Lady June Whimsy says,

"If you're going to crash, crash hard."

Stay dangerous, friends.

-The Minstrel Boy

15 September 2012

Summer [Mis]Adventures: Free Willy

I've always believed in role-play. Reading is no fun unless you read VICARIOUSLY, y'know? This is exactly why I once walked to co-op dressed as Frodo.

I think I caused like three car crashes.  The public schoolers got a HUGE kick out of it.

So last June, I got to stay at a hotel in Colorado. It was one those really fancy hotels, because we had hot bagels and yogurt every day.

They also had a swimming pool. 

So there I was in the hot tub eating my bagels and yogurt when I had the brilliant idea to pretend I was a graceful Orca Whale. This was my plan of action:

I'm not quite sure how this worked out in my mind.

For one beautiful nanosecond, I was like this:

Then I was like:

Unfortunately I had misjudged how deep four feet actually was.

When I came up, I gushing with blood.

MOM: Raymond, what happened to you!??!

ME: Well, I...I...I was pretending to be a whale.

MOM: ...

Worst of all, I had come to Colorado for a SPEECH AND DEBATE TOURNAMENT. That's where you have to dress up in a suit and tie and look perfect. But after my first attempt with makeup, I had given up altogether.

What a stupid invention.

But what can I say? Who doesn't want to be an Orca Whale?

13 September 2012

Summer [Mis]Adventures: An Illustrated Series

So some of you know I had going a cartoon series called Almonds once upon a time. If you'd like to check those out, you can read them here.*

*You must read the posts on this blog backwards in order for the comics to make sense.

I haven't posted anything since that futile game attempt in getting my readers to write a comic with me, but I've lately been experimenting with different styles of drawing. I plan to conclude the Almonds Comic Series this December, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, I'm working on a new, smaller comic series that will take place on THIS blog over September through October, featuring yours truly. This series will be a full account of my summer adventures (more aptly misadventures) complete with storyboard style illustrations. They will OCCASIONALLY have morals to them.

I hope you find it entertaining.

The Minstrel Boy

04 September 2012

My Battle Cry

I am a wandering whimsical wild warrior. It can't be done? Challenge accepted.
I bear the Word in my satchel and a dirk on my girdle.
Come to me, giants of fear and failure, and I will give YOU rest.
Tell me, who do you serve? Bid him to face my master, and we shall see whose is the greater.
Yours can conquer cities? Mine has crumbled empires.
Yours has sunk ships? Mine can flood the world.

Shout louder, merry fools, perhaps your god is sleeping.
But when I call the name of mine, fire descends consuming.

I am a wandering whimsical wild warrior
waiting for the waeful wail of wicked wolves by the waxing moon
waging another war.

Tomorrow we shall slay our foes
Burn their temples, free their slaves,
Tomorrow we shall be heroes.

But not tonight. Tonight we are minstrels.
Huddled 'round the festive flames
Singing, dancing, laughing, dreaming.
Counting stars, spinning tales...

Fairies, monsters, dryads, dragons
Kingdoms, castles, poison flagons
Mermaids, elves, and witch's sleigh bells
Flutes, harps, the Queen of Hearts!
Dwarfs, dungeons, destiny
Fauns and wood-nymphs watching me.
Hunting horns and unicorns
Sail the vast and wayward sea.
Palace of the handsome prince
Courtyards where he learns to fence
Princess locked away in chamber
Gallant knight who comes to save her.
Wizards, witches, rags and riches
Mountains, blossoms, blissful fountains.

And now the embers fade to grey.
The sun has risen. At last we are weaned of the night.
We saddle our horses and say our prayers.
We ride onward to adventure. Further up and Further in.

I am a wandering whimsical wild warrior.