29 December 2012

The Last Misadventure: The Hanging Tree

I KNOW! I'M NOT DONE YET! Just one more eh? I'll make it good.

As you might have gathered by now, we are a family of tree climbers. For people who have scaled trees equivalent to the Eiffel Tower, we have surprisingly few injuries. I've only fallen on my head once.




I don't want to talk about it.

Once my sister tried to slide down a tree limb.

HANNAH'S PLAN:




REALITY:


Alas! She was so young...


Anyway, my latest tree injury actually fractured my toe and put me out of commission for five weeks. Are you ready for this? I call it "The Hanging Tree."


It started  one lazy summer afternoon. My two siblings had been at music camp all week. We came to watch and videotape their grand performance. The weather was dandy, and during a moment I found myself alone, I spotted a great oak tree.





WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND TREES


LITTLE DID I KNOW that this tree had a very conspicuous and very sharp metal hook stuck in it.





  








I don't know what it was there for. Probably for hanging Christmas lights. Or people. Anyway, I didn't notice it going up.






And I didn't notice it going down...




However, I DID notice that my right foot had ceased to move in harmony with the rest of my body.







I decided it was serious.



VERY serious.

It occurred to me I wouldn't be dancing for quite some while.

So while I was busy painting the sidewalk red, some kind passing woman happened to notice me.



HER: Oh honey! What happened to you!?

ME: Well, I was being stupid...

HER: Oh, I'm sure you weren't! What happened?

ME: Well, I was climbing that tree...

HER: Yeah?

ME: Barefoot...

HER: Uh-huh?

ME: And there was a hook in it...

HER: Yeah, you were stupid.

I didn't want her to call the police, partly because I'm tough as nails and don't need medical attention, and partly because I was sure the copper arrest me for climbing campus trees. It was a good thing she didn't listen to me though, because shirt-tourniquet wasn't working too well, and Niagara Falls was coming out of my foot.

But when the policeman showed up, it was quite clear he'd done this a million times before. I kinda got the impression he wasn't all there.





When my mom showed up, she wasn't exactly surprised either.



MOM: Pretending to be a whale, Raymond?
ME: Be glad I kept my legs together.

And I was wheeled my off to the emergency room before you could say It Seriously Isn't As Bad As You Think, Mom.

In my life I have been in the emergency room three times. The first time I was charging a BB gun and it snapped on my pinky. The second time I was cracking rocks open with a hammer and it ricocheted  in my face. The third time is, well, this. Naturally, by now I know all the doctors by name.



You know what was REALLY hilarious? They told me I was their "bestpatient all day, because I had the most exciting wound.  Even doctors get bored sometimes. 




FAQ: Did getting a metal hook run through your foot hurt? No.  Getting anesthetics shot in my foot to numb the supposed pain was UNBEARABLE.




So somewhere in mid-August, my summer was over.  The doctors put me on crutches and antibiotics for a month in a half.  And the moral of this story is--I'm afraid--so obvious it's hardly worth mentioning. In the meantime, I got a huge kick out of all the attention.

"I was rescuing an old lady's cat."
"I got in a fight with a rattlesnake."

"I was assaulted by  monkeys."

And sometimes, on rare occasions, I embellish things.



Merry Christmas, friendos!
-The Minstrel Boy

8 comments:

  1. Haha, oh my goodness Raymond, that was hilarious! :P Your stories/cartoons crack me up. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. YOWCH!!!! I was cringing in pain...and laughing so hard at the same time. Seriously, I was crying 'cause I was laughing so hard! Sounds like something I would do...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I feel really sorry for you. That's only when I think about it because the pictures were soooooo funny and there was soooo many. I love the end!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Raymond, you have outdone yourself. I am sorry for your wound, but glad you entertained us with your marvelous story-telling. The "dun, DUN, DUUUUNN!!!" earned you an entire batch of chocolate-chip cookies from me. (If I lived in Seattle. Sorry.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bahaha Ariel!! 'Cause that's how we do business around here... :P

      Delete
  5. Every Time I Climb a Tree

    By David McCord

    Every time I climb a tree
    Every time I climb a tree
    Every time I climb a tree
    I scrape a leg
    Or skin a knee
    And every time I climb a tree
    I find some ants
    Or dodge a bee
    And get the ants
    All over me.

    And every time I climb a tree
    Where have you been?
    They say to me
    But don’t they know that I am free
    Every time I climb a tree?
    I like it best
    To spot a nest
    That has an egg
    Or maybe three.

    And then I skin
    The other leg
    But every time I climb a tee
    I see a lot of things to see
    Swallows rooftops and TV
    And all the fields and farms there be
    Every time I climb a tree
    Though climbing may be good for ants
    It isn’t awfully good for pants
    But still it’s pretty good for me
    Every time I climb a tree.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dude that just made my day. SOMEBODY UNDERSTANDS HOW AWESOME TREES ARE

      Delete