07 June 2014

Misfortune Cookies

You know those times when your life is going down the tubes and suddenly one day you read a fortune cookie that just fits you perfectly and you're like "OHMYGOSH. HOW DID THEY KNOW." And then you have a double-take and realize that it was so vague that it literally could have worked for anyone, in any situation. It's always something like "you will fine inner-peace in unexpected places" or "do your best and reap the success" or whatever. Actually, nowadays you're more apt to find advice rather than fortune (probably due to lawsuits when the fortunes didn't come true). The advice isn't much help either--they're always telling you to shoot for the stars by being yourself and living life on the edge. They also love flattering you too.  Sometimes I wonder if people just go to Panda Express to bolster their self-esteem. And it's cheap too. You can live like a slug and still feel good about yourself.

Well anyway, I love fortune cookies. But sometimes I think they're not really being used to their fullest potential. I'm half-Asian, so I think I could convincingly pull off starting a Chinese restaurant, maybe calling it Half-Foods (like Whole Foods, except...you know...) and the first thing I'm doing is writing some real hard-core fortune cookies. Things that get straight to the point. These'll heat up any dinner conversation, while I in the meantime sit back and artlessly watch the disastrous results unfold. Here's a few of my ideas:

-Sometimes you just gotta count your chickens before they hatch and go for it.

-When it comes to women, you should always do the first thing that comes to your mind.

-Taking your children to R-rated movies makes them well rounded.

-You may think the waitress is cute, but she's really just fattening you up to eat you.

-In life you should only look ahead, and never side to side. The same applies for crosswalks.

-It is polite to ask the patient's permission before doing CPR on them.

-You still have your good looks. Flirt with everyone.

-Everything will be alright, as long as we keep dancing like were... TWENTY TWOOOOOOOOOOO

-While listening to advice may be prudent, it makes for lousy campfire stories.

-You will ace your final exam based off of pure instinct.

-You will ace life based off of pure instinct.

-Before using bear spray, it is humane to try it on yourself before trying it on the bear.

-Only sissies use parachutes.

-You will find confidence in your incompetence.

-You will never stop going to Panda Express in a last-ditch effort for a cheap dinner. Never.

-Give up. You'll never find your car keys. You needed a new car anyway.

This is what fortune cookies are here for folks. I mean, I don't know about you, but I would totally go to this restaurant. I thought of some other ones, but I wisely decided not to make them public.

-The Minstrel Boy

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